Yesterday was March 20th, the long awaited first day of Spring. My seed starting “stuff” is all over the kitchen and I miss my husband who loved watching me start a new garden notebook each year. CMadison died 10 months ago on May 20, 2013, more precisely he died 304 days ago. Counting the days might seem creepy, but we were married for 36 years, 8 months and 22 days so I’m still adjusting to his absence and notating each “first” without him-1st Thanksgiving, birthday, Christmas and now Spring. Plus I’m a woman, a widow, a mother and an organic gardener, so I note, I count and I observe cycles, seeds and days, seasons and frost, rates of wind, inches of rain and hours of sunlight
Since CMadison’s death many people have been incredibly kind and thoughtful and truly loving. Many have shared joyful memories of watching us together at Kroger, CVS, the Post Office, the airport, client sites…you never know who’s watching (and listening;) or the impact a view of your relationship may have on others. It’s kind of surprising in a harmless and quasi-stalky kind of way, but insightful as well. I’ve learned a lot since CMadison’s death-mostly about myself (data for another post). I’ve also learned a lot about others and the challenging quest for full forgiveness (yet another post;). But one generic, yet definite death lesson I’ve learned is that the life you live speaks volumes that will be recorded and repeated by people you encounter (and many you don’t even notice) along the way.
One aspect of this generic yet definite death lesson centers on the transformative potential of marriage, the path to marital nirvana (and yes, I think such a thing exists, in an existential kinda’ way) and two access tips. Over the years and especially since CMadison’s death, many people have commented on the phenomenon of our marriage. Really, folks have used the word phenomenon repeatedly, and have asked for our secret-again repeatedly. I knew our marriage was exceptional, unusual, certainly not typical, but I also knew it was absolutely attainable and reproducible. By contrast when I think phenomenon I think unattainable, I think once-in-a-lifetime, I think Serena Williams at 32, the oldest woman ever ranked #1 in the world ending last year’s $12.4 million dollar tennis season with a 17th Grand Slam win. Serena Williams is a phenomenon!
Now if you’re reading this and you’re already 32, I can’t help you on the path to tennis nirvana; but I can help you with some access tips on the path to marital nirvana. Okay, maybe not actual nirvana, any place of complete bliss and delight and peace, but definitely the often cited but rarely inhabited, “good place in the relationship.” So here are two tips and applications for guaranteed access to that path.
Tip #1: Think of holistically healthy, happy, functional, lifelong marriage as something attainable, transformative, and exceptional rather than phenomenal.
Application of Tip # 1: This is obvious and (relatively) easy. In changing your definitional thoughts on marital nirvana from phenomenal to exceptional and attainable you acknowledge the work will yield worthwhile results, thus making the necessary consistency of effort simple. Simple is not to be conflated with easy, but it is where the transformation starts to take lace. Here’s another way of looking at it. Starting at age 32, even with consistent hard work you probably can’t win 17 Grand Slams like Serena Williams because well, she’s a phenomenon. On the other hand, at age 32 there’s still plenty of time to build a holistically healthy, happy and functional lifelong marriage. Simply stated, transformative thinking merged with consistency of practice makes an exceptional marriage attainable!
Tip #2: Look for what you’re looking for. I know one should never end a sentence with a preposition. I apologize, but this admittedly flawed sentence structure is the clearest, most memorable way I can think of to convey this tip.
Application of Tip #2: This is definitely easier than tip #1, but it’s obvious truth is hidden in plain sight.
Look for what you’re looking for… and not just in touching Facebook posts of apocryphal tales of courtships begun and proposals uttered in the bloom of youth and ending at the 65th wedding anniversary, conveniently skipping all those messy years of struggle in-between.
Look for what you’re looking for… and not just in carefully edited books by and about rich and famous folks who can either afford to carve out a few days, first class airfare and luxury digs to “work on their relationship,” or at the very least live in a house big enough for everyone to retire to their respective corners.
Look for what you’re looking for… and not just in social media video monologues by self-defined or publically acknowledged “relationship experts” who haven’t lived long enough to wrinkle up good.
Look (and listen) for what you’re looking for… and not just from some exciting and highly quotable professors or preachers from elite schools or mega-churches with lots of well-crafted theories and platitudes but precious few personally lived, long term successes.
Look for what you’re looking for… and look beyond the famed, the photographed and the frequently quoted. If you think a holistically healthy, happy and functional, lifelong marriage is a phenomenon, then look at Merriam-Webster.com’s definition of “phenomenon: something (such as an interesting fact or event) that can be observed and studied…”
So look for, observe and study what you’re looking for…who do you know, who have you seen, who’s already well on the path of accomplishment of the task you allegedly want to achieve. Is it a neighbor? Maybe they’re friends of your folks or someone at your church or temple or synagogue. Maybe they’re your colleagues at work. Look. Look long. Look hard. And then look again. Observe, study, ask questions (politely of course) listen and take notes. Indulge yourself, take some time and think critically about the answers, responses, silences and non-responses, even if those answers, responses, silences and non-responses surprise you. Before disagreeing or mounting elegant, avant-garde, and intellectually astute and provocative arguments think again, slowly, calmly, prayerfully and even more deeply. After all, you picked these folks to ask because they at least seem to be doing successfully something you allegedly want to achieve. Given enough time and conversations, enough questions and analysis, enough prayer, meditation and thought you may find that real, healthy, happy, functional, lifelong marriages are not just attainable but are exciting, living, breathing, dynamic and organically evolving works in process.
Bottom line: You may not duplicate Serena Williams’ 17 Grand Slam victories, but you can duplicate efforts to craft a healthy, happy, functional, lifelong and exceptional marriage. You may not be a multi-million dollar, endorsement earning, world class athletic phenomenon but you can be exceptional. So go for it!
And if you happen to have a friend (or two) seriously trying to build a healthy, happy, functional, lifelong marriage-well then share;)